


There Goes My Girl

by orphan_account



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, Gift Fic, One Shot, One True Pairing, Romance, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-09
Updated: 2012-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-06 10:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/417947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jacob moves on when Bella leaves him behind, but things between the two of them are never that cut and dried. A one-shot written for the theair_thesun's Jacob/Bella fic exchange, with prompts from exquisite_ugly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Goes My Girl

**Author's Note:**

  * For [exquisitelyugly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exquisitelyugly/gifts).



> Twilight and all its recognizable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer.

  


  


banner by [evieeden](http://www.fanfiction.net/~evieeden)

 

**  
**

Sometimes, when Jacob thought back, he wished that he had left well enough alone. Not that Bella had been what anyone would have called _well enough,_ or even _sort of okay,_ back in the day. Pretty much the opposite, in fact. She'd definitely been alone. But then he had kind of started to fix her—she'd been improving, anyway, though she'd still been nowhere near even _sort of okay—_ and then had come the day when he'd barely snatched her back from the cliff's edge right as she'd been about to jump. She'd turned to him and demanded to know why he'd stopped her, and he'd looked into her eyes and seen a drop-off deeper than the one from which he'd saved her, new depths to which he could sink trying to pull her up, and for just one second sanity had dawned and he'd thought, _Maybe this is too much. Maybe I can't fix this._

But then he'd remembered how he had gotten her to listen to the radio the afternoon before, turning it on as she furrowed her brow over her math problems. She hadn't cringed or wrapped her arms around her chest; in fact, she hadn't even acted like she noticed, and that was good. That was progress. He could definitely do this, and he would, because she didn't deserve to have another guy give up on her.

It wasn't the last time he doubted himself, or his ability to fix things, but as time went on, what he realized was that he should have been doubting her desire to get better, because that was the real issue. Jacob Black was ready to love Bella Swan, but Bella Swan wasn't ready for Jacob Black's love. Bella Swan wasn't ready for anything. She didn't want it. He couldn't figure out what she did want, though, and that was what drove him crazy, because sometimes she would seem like she was _this close_ to considering the possibility of giving him a chance. But then the next day it would all be gone and she would be acting as if she just wanted him to be... what, her little brother with fur? The thing was, Jacob already had two older sisters, and he knew what that felt like so he knew Bella wasn't in the running.

Rachel, speaking of older sisters, hated Bella. Whenever Bella would show up while his sister was home on vacation, Rachel would grumble and come up with things she needed help with that only a brother could provide. Jacob didn't argue because even though he loved Bella, he missed Rachel, and as long as he knew Bella was around things were okay. He'd brought Bella with him when Rachel walked at her graduation ceremony, though, and Rachel had _not_ been a fan of that notion, staring at the pale quiet girl with narrow-eyed suspicion and then pulling Jacob aside to say, "Just in case you were wondering, this story is _not_ Sleeping Beauty and you are _not_ the handsome prince and she is _not_ gonna wake up when you kiss her."

That was pretty funny, because, hell, he was _living_ a fairy tale, or at least a weird dream. "I'm too old for fairy tales, Rachel," he told her anyway, in the tone that always got his pack brothers to shut the hell up and leave him alone.

Rachel was immune to the Alpha effect, and pressed on. "I didn't get a degree in classical literature so that I could ignore the themes running right under my nose. You're in the middle of Beauty and the Beast, Jacob, and you're not the Beast."

All he'd been able to think at the time was about how wrong she was, how he was a beast inside and out and how Bella hadn't cared and she'd taken him back even though he was no good. Later, though, he'd kept an eye on the girl he already thought of as _his_ , and he'd seen that Rachel was right, and if there had been a rose, the last petal would have fallen the day Bella brought home Chris from U-Dub.

Jake had been wondering what she was not-saying in her emails and phone calls, because he knew his Bells and the quality of her silences changed when she didn't want to say something that needed to be said. He found out when he showed up at her doorstep three days into Christmas break to find Charlie silently suspicious and Bella turning dead white and Chris reaching out a hand to say hello, and that he'd heard so much about him. Jacob had said, "I wish that was mutual," while giving Bella a look that said, _What do you think you're doing?_ because he was still her best friend. Even when she was acting like an asshole, that was still true. She blanched even more.

As soon as was decently possible, he dragged her outside and demanded, "Okay, Bells, what the hell is going on?"

She shrugged. "Chris asked me out a while ago, and it's been years since I dated anyone, so I said yes." The misery on her face belied the casual words.

"But—" Jacob didn't know what to say that wouldn't come out sounding like he thought she _owed_ it to him to go out with him. He didn't think that, but the thing was, they were best friends, and he knew she knew how he felt about her. It wasn't like he'd bothered to hide it. And he _knew_ she wanted him too, no matter how much she lied to herself about it being platonic or whatever. "This is total bullshit, Bella."

"What?" Now she looked offended. "It's bullshit for me to get a boyfriend, Jake? I'm sorry, but you don't have first dibs on my time, _all_ the time. You're still in _high school._ I'm in _college_. It's different and I need different friends when I'm there."

"And I guess you need them when you're here, too," he managed to say, though fury and pain constricted his throat till it seemed too tight for the words to fit.

"Maybe I do!" she snapped, two crimson circles breaking out on her cheeks.

He left, and gave her the difference she required.

He brooded for a few weeks, mulling over what he should do. When he looked at his life, he suddenly realized how much of it he'd put on hold, waiting for Bella Swan to finally come around, and now that he was pretty sure she wouldn't, he needed to get a move on in a lot of areas. He was nearly nineteen. He couldn't wait forever. What sucked, and pissed him off the most, was that he knew that if she showed up on his doorstep and pretended like nothing had happened and gave him a chance, even now, he would totally have leaped at the opportunity. He was stupid like that. Knowing it didn't change a damn thing.

Quil and Embry came by to check on him after the first week, when his mental turmoil grew too great to ignore during patrols.

"You still pouting over that bitch?" Quil asked casually, and then almost phased right there in the garage when Jacob launched himself at his throat.

"Told you so," Embry remonstrated, after he pried Jacob's fingers loose. "You never talk shit about the ex, dude."

"She's not his ex!" Quil protested.

Once Embry had held him back until he subsided again, Jacob buried his head in his hands and groaned. "I'm so fucked, you guys."

"Actually, you're not," Embry pointed out helpfully.

"That's half the problem," Quil agreed with an air of expertise that was completely unjustified, considering he'd just popped his cherry in a drunken encounter at a club four months before. "We need to find some girl to get your mind off Bella."

"And by 'mind' we mean 'dick,'" Embry added.

"I don't want to do that with any of the girls around here." Jacob shrugged. He really didn't want to have sex with anybody besides Bella, but maybe if he tried it would at least jump start the moving-on process.

"You don't know _all_ the girls around here. You've been kind of focused on just one girl for years now." Embry said it gently, but firmly. Jacob couldn't even get mad again.

"Maybe he doesn't need a girl, Em," Quil mused.

"I'm not sleeping with you," Jacob answered swiftly.

"Guess I'll hold onto my second virginity for a while longer," his friend said with a shrug. "No, I just meant, maybe you need a _woman._ "

"A woman." Embry sounded apprehensive. "Like... somebody's _mom_ or something?"

"Nasty. No. Like a professional."

A long pause, and then Embry and Jacob started whooping with laughter. "A hooker? No fucking way!" Jacob couldn't even consider it without wanting to double-up on condoms. Which at his current inventory would bring the total up to two, but still.

"C'mon, think about it!" Quil wasn't dropping this yet. "She wouldn't get all emotional and shit, she'd know what she was doing, and if you blew your load in thirty seconds flat she'd still have to act like she loved it. That's kickass! Or you could just have her go down on you. It'll change your life. C'mon Jake. Get some."

"I have just two words for you," Embry replied, holding up his fingers in a V. "Genital. Herpes."

"Remember that presentation at school?" Jacob asked in agreement. "Hot dogs with cauliflower, man."

"Oh my God." Quil swallowed hard, face going green. For such a disgusting bastard he sure had a weak stomach.

Jacob shuddered. "Anyway, the only hooker I know of in Forks is the one who lives in that trailer park, and she's done so much meth all her teeth had to be pulled."

"Which actually might be useful for her job." Embry got a faraway expression, only to focus with a start when Jacob punched his shoulder.

"You two are pervs. I'm not that hard up. And even if I were I'd rather die a virgin. Probably."

After they left, Jacob's first order of business was getting rid of all the things around that reminded him of Bella. That turned out to basically be everything so it was pretty impossible. He put away the presents, tore up or deleted the photographs, hid her feed on Facebook, and tossed the music that made him think of her, but everywhere he looked there were memories.

After that, he decided to follow his friends' advice and get rid of his virginity instead, and that proved a more successful endeavor. He got lucky in more ways than one. Later on he realized how much damage he could have done to himself and the girl involved, but instead Jessica Stanley came up to La Push on Spring Break wearing a wetsuit that showed everything. She hopped off her surfboard, gave him a once-over with a big smile, and that was that. She was all about fun, and she made it fun for him too, so much so that he completely stopped thinking about Bella for a couple of weeks. He hadn't realized how much of his headspace she occupied until he served the eviction notice. When he did, he kind of liked having the room available again.

When Bella didn't come home for the summer, he told himself he didn't care, and then was surprised at how convincing he found his own voice. He listened to Sam Uley when Sam begged for the hundredth time for Jacob to take over the pack so he could stop phasing and start a family with Emily. Privately, Jacob wondered what the big rush was, but out loud he told Sam he would do it starting after he turned twenty. Sam's sincere gratitude felt good. Jacob figured he would finally get his GED and maybe do some online courses. The werewolf thing hadn't exactly been good for his school performance, but before that he'd been an okay student.

Bella didn't come down for Thanksgiving, either, and by the time Christmas rolled around Jacob was sort-of-dating one of Emily's sister-in-law's friends. Charlie mentioned Bella's predicted arrival when Jacob dropped Billy off at the chief's house to watch the game. Jacob shrugged and said, "Have a good time!" before heading to the Makah rez at twenty miles over the speed limit.

Maybe he was still a little pissed off.

Bella turned up the next day to say hi, but he wasn't home. She called, but he'd left his cell phone, and when he saw the voicemail notice he deleted the recording before it got past the time and date announcement. Jacob wasn't really trying to be mean; he just knew that if he saw her again it would be as if no time at all had passed, and he'd still be _waiting_ and she'd still be _evading_ and he would be sulking in his garage after New Year's. He told himself that he was done waiting and he was moving on just like she had.

The summer after he turned twenty, though, she tracked him down at the garage where he was working full-time. He caught her scent the second she stepped out of her Saab, and he could have told her that she'd been an idiot to buy such an unreliable piece of crap, but he only stood straight and waited for her to come to him. Fleetingly, he wished his pack were there to back him up, reminding him of who he was and what really mattered with their presence.

"Hey," Bella said, biting her lip for a bare instant before forcing a smile.

Jacob had fully expected it to be exactly the same as it had always been, that he would instantly grab her into a hug and she would giggle and things would be as easy between them as before she came home with Chris. Instead, he found that when he looked at her all he felt was tired. Tired and sad. "Hey, Bella. Need some work done on your car?"

She flinched as if he'd pushed her away, and since that was exactly how he'd meant it, he felt a brief flare of grim satisfaction. "No, thanks. It's fine."

 _For now,_ he thought, but if she hadn't discovered how much Saabs sucked he wasn't going to be the one to burst her bubble. The rattle from her catalytic converter would do that job soon enough.

"What's up?" Grabbing a rag from the pocket of his coveralls, he made a production of wiping his hands and the wrench he held so he didn't have to try to read her eyes.

"I just . . . ." Her feet shuffled, one moving back to hook around the other and then coming back down too fast so she could catch her balance, just like always. "I graduated."

"Yeah, I saw the invitation. Didn't you get our card?"

"Uh-huh. I guess I was hoping you'd come."

He didn't have to see her face to feel the hurt he'd caused her, but he felt like he still owed her some anyway, so his voice came out casual. "Yeah, sorry. Kind of hard to get away from work, plus bringing a guy in a wheelchair on that long of a drive isn't easy for either of us." He wanted to add something like, _It's not like you gave a shit about whether you saw me for months on end,_ but that would be admitting he'd noticed, so he just pressed his lips together and put the wrench back in the right drawer.

Bella made a fluttery motion with one hand that he caught out of the corner of his eye. When he turned back to face her, she had clutched it to her stomach. "Do you get lunch soon?"

"I had my break an hour ago." He'd started at five in the morning, because his boss didn't care when he worked as long as he got forty hours in, and this way he could patrol in the evening without killing himself.

She flushed scarlet, and her eyes started to glitter. "Oh. Okay."

Regret smacked him in the chest. He'd been so crazy about this girl, not too long ago, and she had been a friend to him when he'd really needed one who didn't explode into a wild animal (even if she _had_ thought he would kill people, seriously, _what the fuck_ was her problem?). He opened his mouth to tell her, _But I get off work at three._ Before he could say it, two shadows loomed in the bay door. Looking up, he saw Quil and Embry, directing stares of dark suspicion Bella's way. The ground seemed to lurch under his feet. He almost gasped, as if he'd stood balanced on another cliff and nearly walked off into space without noticing, before his friends pulled him away from the crumbling edge.

Bella twisted to see what he was looking at, and then turned back to him. "I guess I'll see you around. I'm in town for the summer till I start grad school."

"That's cool. I know Charlie's really missed having you at home."

She shrugged with one slender shoulder, a half-smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "He just missed my pot roast."

"That's not true; he loves your lasagna too."

She giggled then, and the sound made him smile. When he did, Quil and Embry's nervousness shivered into his ribs. He gave them a level stare— _Everything's fine. I got this—_ and said in firm tones of dismissal, "I hope you have a good break, Bella." Now that he was Alpha, he couldn't afford to play her game, whatever it was. He'd never been able to figure out the rules, or if she even knew what the goal was, and if he tried again it would leave the pack unsettled, which was a pain in the ass and led to nightmares of the figurative and literal varieties.

Her expression went blank. Nodding, she lifted her purse and fished out her keys. "Yeah. Thanks. Bye, Jacob."

After she drove away, Embry and Quil strode to stand on either side of him. Quil spoke first. "Dude. What does _she_ want?"

"Is she back?" Embry demanded.

"No, just for the summer," Jacob reassured him. "I don't know what she wants, but it doesn't matter."

They both gave him dubious looks that made him want to punch their faces. He took deep breaths and asked, "What's up? Why're you here?"

They shrugged, an identical movement perfectly in sync. Sometimes werewolves were really weird. He still noticed even after all these years.

"You wanted us," they replied in unison.

"We were nearby anyway," Quil added.

Yeah. Really damn weird.

He got the hang of being Alpha quickly, something that made Sam simultaneously roll his eyes and huff with indignation. The whole "tribal chief" thing turned out to be as a figurehead only, since none of the people on the council were at all inclined to turn their group decision-making process over to a kid who wasn't even of legal drinking age yet. The wolf absolutely hated that. Jacob told it to shut up and it listened, for the most part. Everybody listened to him. Rather than it bothering him, he ended up taking his influence for granted, so much so that when Leah routinely bucked his authority he just laughed and made her his beta. She was no threat. The only person who posed a threat, in fact, was working at Newton's part-time and studying. Or so her father said, when he showed up at the Blacks' house for fishing expeditions. Jacob didn't call her. His new cell phone didn't even have her number in the address book.

Bella had gotten into University of Oregon's grad school program for multimedia library something-or-other—that was how Charlie referred to it, anyway. Jacob was pretty sure it involved books, computers, and elementary schools, all of which sounded like things that were right up Bella's alley. He was happy for her, when he thought of her at all, which wasn't very often because he was too busy with school, the pack, and work.

When he fell asleep, though, sometimes he would dream about her.

In the dreams, she was the sad, pale girl from the first months after Cullen left her, and he was the hopeful, overconfident sixteen-year-old. They hung out in the garage, ate pizza, and rode the bikes. Every once in a while he'd get her to smile or her eyes to sparkle or she'd let him hold her hand, and his stomach would swoop with joy because he loved her _so much._ Then he would wake up and remember that he didn't love her anymore, and that she had never loved him. His stomach didn't remember that, though, and would stay weirdly jumpy, as would his thought life, until the next time he phased. Transforming into the wolf, who was always in charge and never hesitated about decisions, instantly banished the Bella-ghost.

He learned to phase within minutes of waking up, the mornings after he dreamed.

Then came Thanksgiving, again, and then came Bella, again. He ran into her at the store and she gave him a smile that didn't look sad at all, illuminating her whole face in the middle of the canned fruit aisle. He found himself smiling back with just as much enthusiasm.

"Jacob!" She rushed to his side and extended a hand like she was going to put it on his arm before yanking it back. "Oh my God, you look... How are you doing? How's Billy and your sisters?"

"We're all fine, thanks," he replied, fiddling with the cranberry sauce for something to do. "What're you up to?" Her hair was shiny. It was a ludicrous detail to get hung up on and yet he couldn't seem to stop gazing at it while she talked about school and vacation and holidays and then said goodbye. He spent the rest of the night griping at himself for being such a tool.

The next day she showed up at the house in La Push with another smile, still not sad but awkward and oddly nervous.

After stilted hellos and a weird moment in which Jacob didn't know if he was supposed to hug her and wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to, Bella sat down at the kitchen table and blurted, "Renée and Phil are renewing their vows just before Christmas at this place in Coeur d'Alene. Idaho. They picked it because it's not too far from here so I can drive, but I don't want to go by myself and I don't want to take one of my friends from school. Phil's got all these people with money in his social circle now that he's coaching a D-One team that wins, and it's going to be weird, you know?"

"Okay," Jacob replied blankly, because she didn't mean what it sounded like, there was no way.

Except she did. "I was wondering, um, would you want to come with me?"

Jacob could feel the bafflement spreading across his face, but at the same time the part of him who still dreamed about Bella jumped in his chest and grabbed his throat. The rest of his heart sank as low as it could get because shit shit _shit_ he was still hung up on her, like the pathetic teenager he wasn't anymore. "Why?"

She flushed so brightly his eyes, enhanced by the wolf, could see the heat emanating from her skin like wavering light. "Would it be so awful?"

She hadn't answered the question, and he noticed, but his main thought was _Well,_ would _it be so awful?_ And the answer was, _probably not._ Sure, it would probably be a little uncomfortable at first, but she'd made the effort to show up and ask, and despite his discouraging internal reaction, he was more grown-up now than the last time they'd really hung out.

Plus, he was fucking _dying_ to get out of La Push. He was nearly twenty-one and the closest he'd gotten to an out-of-town vacation was chasing after vampires. Leah could run the pack in his absence with no problem. "Of course not," he replied after a second. "Sure. I'll come."

Instantly, he regretted the decision. The pack sealed the choice without meaning to, though, when they uniformly objected to his plans.

"It's a bad idea," Embry told him.

"Terrible," Quil agreed.

Leah, Seth, Paul, and Jared remained silent, but Jacob could feel their resistance to his departure too. The wolf snarled at their insubordination, and for once he allowed it to take control.

"I'm leaving. I'll be back. Till then, Leah's in charge." That was all he said, and they stopped the questions.

His father didn't. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked, more than once, right up until the week before Christmas when Jacob started throwing an assortment of clothes into his duffel bag.

"Why _wouldn't_ it be, Dad?" Jacob demanded.

"Because it's Bella Swan. People in our family tend to find the person they want to stay with when they're pretty young, son, and I haven't forgotten the way you used to look at her." Billy backed up his wheelchair in the doorway just a bit and fixed Jacob with the concerned stare that his son could feel even with his back turned.

"Used to. We haven't hung out in years."

"Then why'd you agree to do this?"

 _Because I'm an idiot and also sick of this place,_ was the right answer, but Jacob only said, "Time for a change of scenery, that's all. A _temporary_ change. It's just a week. I'll be back soon and it'll be like it never happened."

"Uh-huh," Billy replied, clearly unconvinced. "That girl might have been raised by Renée, but she's Charlie Swan's daughter, Jacob."

"What's wrong with that?" Genuinely confused, Jacob looked up from the pile of socks he never sorted into pairs. "Charlie's a good guy."

"Nothing's wrong with it. Charlie's my best friend, along with Harry. You know that. But Charlie would never just ask somebody he hadn't hung out with in years to come on a week-long trip with him unless he had something in particular he wanted to see come out of it." Shaking his hair back, Billy gave Jacob a worried look. "What do you think Bella wants from you?"

Jacob wanted to be able to say, _Bella doesn't just use people,_ but the fact remained, that was exactly what she'd done to him—she'd used him to stabilize herself after her vampire boyfriend left her high and dry and near-comatose, and then once she'd found a semblance of normality she'd found a different boy to date. Not her best friend, who she knew loved her. He just wasn't normal enough, or old enough, or smart enough, or maybe he just wasn't _enough_. So what _did_ Bella want from him now? Billy was right; there had to be something.

With a shrug, he turned back to his packing. "Maybe she just wants to be friends again. We used to be pretty good ones."

"You used to be in love with her," Billy said, flat-voiced.

Hearing it described so bluntly made Jacob want to throw something at the old bastard, but he kept his voice and hands steady. "If you can call a teenage crush love, then, yeah. I was in love with her. I got over it. Most guys don't _stay_ in love with girls they met before they got their driver's license."

"Most guys aren't you."

The urge to hurt him disappeared. Jacob laughed and walked over to hug Billy around the neck. "You're biased. I'm normal as a guy can get, once you get past the phasing thing." Pulling back, he laughed again at the trepidation he read on his father's face. "Dad. It's just a week. I'll be fine. Have fun with Charlie."

"His cooking sucks," Billy grumbled, and Jacob sighed in relief.

"I made meals and put them in the freezer. Please, for the love of God, don't eat dessert except on Christmas. No matter how many extra shots of insulin you give yourself, it's not gonna work out right, especially if you two decide to get drunk."

Billy grumbled about that too, all the way up until Bella pulled up in front of the little red house. She got out, but Jacob met her before she made it to the porch. Her face lit up at the sight of him, and his complete moron of a heart thumped so hard in his chest he was pretty sure the entire pack could hear it. In fact, he was certain they could because they were _all there_ , catching a glimpse of Bella from just behind the treeline. He couldn't see them but he felt them there all the same.

"Go away," he muttered under his breath, too softly for Bella to hear. When they didn't move, even while he said, "Hi," to Bella and threw his bag into the back of her car, he ordered, "Leah, get them out of here," and they took off as Bella backed out of his driveway.

Once they were on the road Bella turned to him and said, "I really appreciate you coming with me, especially on such short notice."

"No problem. Actually, I really appreciate _you_ getting me the hell out of Washington," Jacob told her.

She shot him a sideways glance. "La Push getting depressing or something?"

"Nah. I don't get depressed usually. I just feel like it's too small sometimes." That was partially the wolf's fault. It was always trying to expand its territory and chafed at the restrictions Jacob put on its roaming. Of course, the wolf also didn't understand the significance of money and how a job tied into its possession.

He'd automatically kept the reflection to himself, and experienced a mild shock when her expression turned knowing. "I bet the wolf doesn't like having to stick so close."

 _I'm good with weird,_ teenaged Bella whispered into his ear, with a rueful twist of her bow-shaped mouth. Jacob all of a sudden remembered how nice it felt to have someone who wasn't a freak know the truth so he didn't have to hide anything. "Yeah. It hates it, actually." After a second, he added, "I forget sometimes that you know all about it."

"Not _all_ about it." She shrugged. "But more than most, I guess. You're Alpha now, right?"

Jacob furrowed his brows. "Yeah, I am, but how'd you know that?"

"You don't strike me as a man who answers to anyone other than himself."

Part of him wondered at how easily she named him a man, when before she'd always been so careful to keep their two-year age difference between them. The wolf preened with complacent pride. He didn't know how to answer, so he changed the subject. "How's school going?"

"Okay, I guess. It's fun, actually, when it doesn't suck ass." Jacob choked on surprise and then started laughing hysterically. After a second, Bella joined him, but asked, "What? What's so funny?"

"You said 'suck ass.'" Repeating it made him laugh even harder.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I'm twenty-three! It would be weird if I still talked like an uptight teenager."

"Are you saying you're not weird?" Jacob demanded, and that was it. That was the moment he'd been expecting, when everything slid back into place. Conversation suddenly became effortless, the way it had always been between them. They talked nonstop for eight hours, all the way to Coeur d'Alene.

Renée rushed from the lodge, squealing with arms outstretched, the instant Bella parked. Jacob noticed wariness overtake Bella's entire body as soon as she embraced her mother.

"Baby, I'm so excited you could make it!" Renée leaned back to look Bella over, and then pulled her into another hug. "Phil is too, sweetheart, and he brought his daughter Marissa and her best friend, so it's going to be so much fun! We talked to the owner of the lodge, and he volunteered to do the vow stuff, and I brought a ton of decorations, and we ordered a cake from this place in town, and..." She glanced past Bella. Her eyes widened before she looked back at her daughter. "Bella, who's this?"

"C'mon, mom, you remember Jacob, right?" Bella reached behind her back without looking, and Jacob automatically put his hand in hers. The second they came into contact, he heard her heartbeat speed up. When she pulled him beside her and he could examine her face, though, all he saw was a calm smile.

"Oh, yeah. Of course." Renée fumbled for a second, and then recovered. "It's so great you could come with Bella, Jacob. She told us she was bringing a friend but she didn't say who."

"I wasn't sure he'd agree," Bella told her. "He's a busy man with a lot going on."

Again with the "man" thing. Trying to hide his confusion, Jacob took the keys from her and hit the button to open the hatchback. After he retrieved both their bags, they walked into the lodge, which was beautifully decorated in red, white, and green for Christmas, with tiny white lights everywhere on all the exposed timbers. Jacob hadn't been big on the holiday since his mother died, but being so far away from home made it easier to get excited, although he wondered if he was too old to legitimately feel that way.

Renée led them through the lobby to the west hallway, then to the second floor, chattering all the way about the details of the vow renewals. "Here's your room!" she trilled, pulling out an actual key rather than a card and turning it in the lock before she threw open the heavy birch door, flipping on the light switch.

Jacob and Bella stood, staring, at the two full-size beds.

  
"Is this one mine or Jake's?" Bella asked after a second.

Renée laughed. "Pick whatever bed looks best, baby."

Jacob laughed, too, one horrified guffaw before the barely controlled panic spreading across Bella's visage silenced him.

"Mom, are you saying that you got one room for the two of us?"

"Well, baby, you're friends, right? We didn't know you'd be bringing a  _guy_ friend. You haven't dated in so long that I gave up on that!" Renée snickered, elbowing Bella in the ribs. Bella's jaw set in a fashion identical to her father's as a blush crept up her neck. "And anyway, you don't have to worry about that with  _Jacob._ "

"Jacob's not gay, mom," Bella gritted out.

" _Oh._ " All amusement disappeared from Renée's face. "Oh. I'm so sorry, Bella. But you know, at this time of year, they're fully booked."

Renée had assumed he was gay. Jacob wanted to lie down on the floor and roll around, crying with laughter, but Bella seemed so mortified that he controlled his voice with an effort and said, "It's fine, Ms. Dwyer. We'll be able to deal."

"Call me Renée, silly," she remonstrated, reaching to smack his shoulder. Jacob ducked away before she could break her fingers. She didn't seem to notice, but turned to Bella. "See, baby? He says it's fine. I've got to run into town, but I'll be back in time for dinner. See you around six?"

"Sure." Bella submitted without enthusiasm to her mother's squeeze and kiss to the cheek. Once the door closed behind Renée, she said, "I am  _so sorry._ "

Jacob laid his bag down on the bed and unzipped it. "It's fine. I'm serious. Don't worry about it, Bells."

He hadn't meant to use the old nickname; it just slipped out. Bella's entire face transformed with obvious delight when he said it, though, and he couldn't regret his mistake. Had she always been so transparent? If so, then she had been a lot worse off in high school than he had suspected in his naivety.

Remembering her, shivering on First Beach with her arms wrapped so tightly around her chest that it seemed they might snap, banished any traces of amusement. After transferring his clothes to the top two drawers of the massive dresser, he walked to the picture window, taking in the view of mountains, forest, and the dusting of snow falling to the ground in the gathering dark. The wolf growled with satisfaction, surveying the open land and the thick forest beyond the fields and barns. He stilled the tremble in his hands with the ease of long practice.

Behind him, Bella asked, "Do you need to run?"

She'd noticed. She noticed so much.  _She'd do the same with anybody,_ Jacob told himself.  _It's not because she notices_ you  _in particular._ "Maybe after dinner. I'll talk to the lady at the front desk and try to figure out if I'm going to scare the shit out of a hunter or something if I go. Plus, I'm pretty sure it'd suck to get shot, even if I did recover fast."

Her face contorted in distress. "Oh God, yes. I'll never forget when the pack killed Victoria and you got hurt."

Jacob never would forget either, though probably for different reasons. It had hurt like hell to have his ribs caved in by that redheaded bitch. Bella had come to visit him afterward and crawled into bed beside him once she thought he was passed out. Billy had seen, but for whatever reason hadn't objected—probably figuring that even a sixteen-year-old guy couldn't do much with four bones shattered. When she curled up against the intact side, he'd tried as hard as he could to keep awake so it wouldn't end, but rapid healing made him sleepy. When he woke up again, she was still there, big brown eyes gazing at his face in the gray morning light.

"How're you feeling?" she whispered. One of her hands, curled beneath her chin, twitched uncertainly against his skin and settled again.

"Like shit," he whispered back. "Everything hurts."

Bella sat up halfway, propped on her elbow, and looked him over. "Show me where?"

When he hesitantly pointed to the point at which the throb was worst, she bent and pressed her lips to the tender skin in a kiss so gentle he barely felt it. Jacob's breath caught in his chest with a pain that had nothing to do with a vampire's depredations, but he said nothing. Bella kept silent, too, as she moved her mouth a couple of inches and kissed the next rib, sliding across it in a series of feather-light caresses that made a wave of gooseflesh ripple outward from the epicenter of her touch. Her hair tumbled from the shoulder over which she'd gathered it, fanning across his chest and tickling with its tips as she moved down once more. Lifting his head to observe her progress hurt too much, so Jacob lay back and stared at the ceiling, trying not to pant as her mouth brushed lower and lower. Ten minutes before he would have sworn he was in too much agony to even  _think_ of sex, but right now he was grateful for the completely unnecessary comforter that disguised his growing hard-on.

She lifted her head at last and met his gaze, flushed and short of breath. In a wavering undertone, she inquired, "Anywhere else?"

 _Pretty sure my dick requires your urgent attention,_ flitted through his mind, but even though his thoughts were routinely filthy, he was still too embarrassed to say things like that out loud. Instead, he just shook his head and replied, "You made it better." And she had, until she made everything hurt again, a couple of years afterward.

It wasn't until then that he had realized she had never actually said, "Thank you for risking your life for me" or anything along those lines.

"I felt really guilty," she said now, twisting her hands in front of her in the old motion before she seemed to catch herself. "Back then. When you got hurt."

"Why?" Jacob turned away from the mountains, back to her, and leaned against the window. The chilled panes leached the heat from his skin, a welcome respite from the desert-like air in the room. "It wasn't your fault."

"Because, if I hadn't been there, Victoria wouldn't have been there either." Bella sat down on the edge of her bed, staring at her feet. "Of course, back then I used to wish... Anyway, I didn't know how to say 'thank you,' because it seemed like it wasn't enough, and then I ended up not saying anything, and I'm sorry because that was really shitty. I mean, I should have said it even though it wasn't enough. For what it's worth, four years too late, thank you. For everything you did to keep me safe, and for how much you gave up while you protected me."

Fury, sudden and overwhelming, spilled through his body in an incalescent deluge. She kept on reading his mind, and it wasn't supposed to work that way. He was  _Alpha_ and his thoughts were  _safe_  and she shouldn't be able to excavate the hurt she'd caused back when he had been vulnerable to her, especially since he was impervious now. Biting out, "I'll be back later," he shouldered past her, barely remembering to kick his shoes off before he left.

Once he was in the forest, he sniffed the wind to be sure he was alone, and then stripped, hanging his clothes over a branch high enough to be out of sight to most people before phasing. As soon as he settled into his wolf form, his emotions calmed. When he was the wolf, he was in charge of himself and everything he could see—and in this body, he could see a lot more. He took off into the trees, weaving behind the trunks at top speed, loving the stretch of his muscles and cold air flooding into his lungs, bringing with it a host of scents both familiar and new. He'd never played in this much snow before; diving into banks higher than his head was way more fun than splashing through mud. Searching for the others with his mind, he caught a faint awareness—three patrolling at the moment, none of them Leah, but that was all he could sense. Everything seemed fine, though.

After running for an hour, he felt so much better that he was ready to turn around and head to the lodge. He was about halfway back when a new stench seeped into his nostrils, stinging and burning and making his head toss with discomfort.

Bleach and gardenias.

Vampire.

( * * * )

Jacob tracked the vampire until the moon glowed high in the sky and the owls hooted at him indignantly as he interfered with their nighttime rituals. She—he knew it was a she although he couldn't have said how—took a circuitous route through the forest, but seemed to have stayed pretty close to the lodge the Dwyers had chosen. Of course she had.  _Bella_ was there, after all, and Bella was a target for the supernatural. He wasn't a big believer in karma but Bella tempted him to endorse the notion of reincarnation, except with her bad luck that would mean she'd been a mass murderer in a past life, so never mind.

At one point he found a drained elk carcass, carelessly buried and in the process of being dismantled by various scavengers. Finally, the trail led him to the banks of a nearby river, and there disappeared. She must have swum away far enough before emerging that even his nose couldn't find her again.

A drained elk carcass, though. That meant something. A vampire like the Cullens?

One of the Cullens?

At least it wasn't Edward. Of that much he felt certain. That particular vampire's scent was burned into his memory, impressed upon his brain in faint whiffs when Bella moved the wrong things in her bedroom.

At last, he headed back, forgetting that he'd committed to dinner with the Dwyers until he found the tree with his clothes and realized he was starving. The dining room was dark and silent upon his return. He headed to his room and knocked softly. Bella opened the door right away, stepping back to allow him to pass. On the desk next to the window, he saw enough food for four regular people laid out on several plates.

"I hope you don't mind." Bella smiled slightly, though she looked melancholy. "I told Renée we'd be hungry later."

He remembered now that she'd always made sure he ate, even though she rarely consumed more than a few bites herself. Nobody had done that for him since his mom—Billy just assumed that if he got hungry, he'd find food. Bella bought pizza and brought leftovers and sometimes cooked, even at his place. The memory saddened him; he'd felt under-appreciated but there were things he hadn't acknowledged too.

"I'm sorry, about before." He felt like he should add to that, but he couldn't think what the addition would be, and anyway her smile grew when he spoke.

"It's okay. It's probably really irritating to remember. C'mon, I saved you a whole chicken."

He grabbed the nearest plate. "Hey," he remembered to ask, "Why'd your mom think I was gay?"

Her silence made him look at her. She shrugged uncomfortably. "Mom used to think if I mentioned a guy that meant I should be dating him and, um, I might have let her make the wrong assumptions just to keep her off my back."

It should have been funny, but the "I should be dating him" brought back too much old hurt. Even so, after he ate, he felt better. By the time he finished and took the plates out to the hall, Bella had showered, changed into a long-sleeved t-shirt and yoga pants, and climbed into bed to fall fast asleep. He watched her for a minute before remembering that was creepy, and got ready for bed too. Exhausted, he fell asleep almost instantly.

When he opened his eyes, it was still dark. Out of habit, he held himself motionless, looking around without moving his head to see what had stirred him to wakefulness. The sound of Bella's teeth chattering gave him the answer, as did the whimpered, "Too cold... Snow."

She still talked in her sleep. It was still cute, too. Jacob rose and grabbed his discarded blankets from the floor, carrying them over and spreading them over her curled-up form. She burrowed into the new warmth. "Jake."

Despite himself, he ran one hand over the back of her head before wandering over to the window, looking over the white-blanketed vista for the telltale rainbow glint. When he saw nothing, he returned to bed, but first checked the thermostat. Bella had set it to sixty degrees, a concession from Miss Coldblooded which could only have been for his benefit. She'd shivered constantly, in high school. Moving from Arizona to Washington state would have been a huge shock, and add to that the heartbreak of getting dumped by her first love...

He remembered the way even her giggles had sounded strained, as if she were out of practice with anything having to do with happiness. The memory made him want to go back in time and shake himself for harboring the delusion that he could have fixed something so serious.

"What were you thinking?" he wondered out loud. Rolling his eyes, he upped the temperature by five degrees and lay down.

Bella replied on a sigh. "Missed you."

Jacob sighed too.

( * * * )

The next day, he accompanied Bella as she ran errands with her mom all over town, although with Coeur d'Alene's limited resources that only took up a couple of hours. Afterward, Bella released him from any obligations. Jacob took the opportunity to catch on some of the sleep which he constantly lacked. Following that, he got a late lunch and looked around for Bella, but found Phil, who told him Renée and Bella were out riding.

"They're due back any minute," he added with a sideways smile, and then retreated to his room.

Even though the elk body made him think that probably they were safe, a pang of disquiet shot through Jacob with the knowledge that the two women were out there with a leech. He wandered out to the paddocks to wait for their return and look at the horses. They seemed to smell the wolf and shied away, gathering against the fence as far from him as they could get. An old-looking shaggy gelding proved to be the sole exception, eagerly whuffling as he examined Jacob's coat pockets until he gave up in apparent disgust.

Bella and Renée emerged from the woods together in the distance just then, laughter and conversation clear to him.

"God I'm tired. I can't wait to get back inside, eat, and go to  _bed,_ " Bella complained. Jacob had never heard her mention that she knew how to ride. He took a minute to enjoy the sight of her confidence on horseback, the quick expertise with which she soothed the animal when a bird fluttered up from the woods beside them. Bella remained awkward on her own two feet, but she was good with animals. Even though he'd made a hobby of watching her, he was starting to think he hadn't seen nearly enough back when they were kids.

"Yeah? Did Jacob make a move last night?" Renée asked in a teasing tone.

"Mom! No. I've just finished a semester of grad school and it's kicking my ass."

"You don't fool me, baby. I've seen the way you look at him. He  _is_ kind of amazing, isn't he?"

"And sort of beautiful," Bella muttered. Jacob grinned.

"What's that?"

"Nothing, sorry. Yeah. He's amazing. There's nothing going on between us, though. We haven't hung out in years."

"I know! That's why I was so shocked to see him. Why did he come, then?"

"I think he's sick of being home. La Push is really small and even though he keeps busy, there's not a lot of fun stuff to do. Plus he's got a ton of responsibilities with his tribe and his dad and school."

"You don't think maybe he likes you too?"

Abruptly, Jacob realized he was eavesdropping. Humming as loudly as he could, he took off running for the lodge again before he could hear Bella's reply. He had the TV in their bedroom on and had assumed a casual pose on his bed by the time Bella came in, complaining of smelling like horse. She headed straight for the shower. He tried not to think of her wet and naked, separated from him by a single door, and failed miserably.

All through supper he had to make an effort not to stare at the stray tendril of hair that curved down her neck and under her shirt. He knew she was aware of him too, by the way she studiously avoided his eyes, the way her cheeks stayed flushed, the way her heart fluttered every time he spoke... He couldn't stop watching her. She was so animated now. The memory of her expressionless face, frozen even in its smiles, returned from years past to haunt him every time her eyebrows quirked or she laughed. She'd been sick, not just heartbroken. He had never known the real Bella; he'd only known the shadow of what she was supposed to be.

He kind of wanted to know her, though.

The evening passed in an agony of tension, and he nearly headed out the door to patrol out of sheer restlessness before deciding against it. He spent the night listening to her uneven breathing. She finally fell asleep around three in the morning, and he almost did too, until she murmured, " _My_ Jacob," and sick fear settled into his gut.

The next morning dawned with an orange luminescence reflecting off the snow, as if Renée's determination to have the best vow renewal in the history of such redundancies had set the world on fire. Bella disappeared from their room before he even rolled out of bed, and he only caught glimpses of her for the rest of the day. Jacob hadn't realized how many people Renée had invited, and could apparently afford the trip, until the lodge's ballroom began to fill with attendees an hour before the late afternoon ceremony was supposed to start.

"I hope the clothes I brought are okay," he said to Bella when he saw her hustling down the hall with an armful of hosiery and high heels.

She paused and looked him up and down, though he wasn't dressed for the event yet. "You look great in cut-offs; I'm sure you'll look fantastic tonight." A strand of hair fell from her bun into her eyes. She angled her lower lip to blow it out of her way, but it stuck to her perspiration-dampened skin. Shaking his head, Jacob reached to tuck it behind her ear. She tilted her face against his hand before he pulled it away, and he froze. Every atom in his body seemed to suspend its activity so that he could more fully focus on the soft brush of her cheek and ear against his palm, and the baby-fine hair on the nape of her neck against his fingertips.

The wolf grumbled at him; it would have preferred that he just wrench her into their room and rip her clothes off. It found all this touching and staring nonsense incomprehensible.

"I have to go and..." she quavered at last, indicating the clothes she held, and Jacob stepped back.

"See you soon." He watched her hurry away. She tripped on her own toes twice before she turned into Renée's room.

The ceremony actually was beautiful, and made more so by Renée and Phil's obvious happiness with each other and their daughters, who stood on either side of them wearing formal gowns and wide smiles. The candlelit afterparty went on for hours. The servers cleared a dancing area in the center of the room, and Jacob accepted every invitation to dance he got, though that meant he ended up dodging quite a few gropes from Renée's friends. Bella stuck to her table, but each time he glanced at her she had another champagne glass in hand. Her hair got progressively more mussed as the evening passed, her face got redder, and her shoes ended up discarded on the carpet beneath her seat. After a certain point, all he could think about was finishing the job with her hair and bracing her against the closest available wall, so he went back to their room, showering quickly in freezing water and falling face-first into bed.

A few hours later, the sound of a drawer sliding closed woke him. He craned his neck to see Bella, towel wrapped around her torso, clutching some clothes to her chest. She'd come in without him even noticing—that didn't speak well of his vigilance.

"Sorry," she apologized in a whisper, edging sideways toward the bathroom door, which stood open, pouring light into the room. "I forgot my stuff before I got in the shower and—" Her words cut off with a yelp as she tripped over something. Before she could hit the floor, Jacob sat up, slid across the bed and caught her to him. Dropping her clothes, she steadied herself with hands on his shoulders. "I should've stopped with the third glass of champagne, I think."

Her words carried a slur so faint even he could barely hear it. "How many did you have?" Jacob asked to distract himself from the soft curves under his fingers, and from the fact that he didn't want to move away.

"I dunno. Four? Five?" She leaned closer, caressing his hair. "I was trying to get up enough courage to ask you to dance, like every  _other_ female in that room. I guess all I got was enough to tell you about it after the fact." With a giggle, she angled her forehead against his. "Jake?"

"Yeah?" If he slid his right hand over about three inches, he could have it beneath the towel and against cool, damp skin. Jacob closed his eyes against the realization, which was a mistake, because now he could only concentrate on the smell of her, and she smelled so good, soap and water and arousal and  _Bella_  all wafting over to surround his brain in a sensory fog. Her legs shifted, pushing her body nearer to him. The towel loosened with the movement. As it slid down slightly, he realized Bella Swan's breasts were exposed and less than an inch from his face.

If he opened his eyes, he couldn't pretend this never happened, or maybe he would wake up and realize it was all a dream, so he kept them squeezed shut. He was still so aware of her, though, that when her lips glanced over his cheek, he flinched as if she'd struck him. He didn't move away, but he didn't move to meet her, either, as she kissed another spot, and then another, lower than the first two. She worked her way across his face until her mouth pressed to the corner of his own, and then he couldn't take it anymore, turning his head finally to kiss her back.

She started shaking when he did. He wasn't entirely steady himself. This was something he'd dreamed about, both literally and figuratively, for years, but the reality of kissing Bella surpassed the fantasies. The dichotomy between the satin of her lips and the vicious ache in his chest felt so familiar, pleasure and hurt bound together inextricably just like everything to do with them.

With a muffled grunt, he enfolded her slight form in an embrace. Bella climbed onto the mattress, straddling him while she kissed him harder. He lay back, and she followed. The towel fell away. With it went his desire to hold onto the safety net of ignorance. Jacob opened his eyes so he could see the ivory body suspended above him at last. Her breasts were a little fuller than he'd expected; his palms itched to press against the soft swells. Her ribs still showed, but they didn't poke out uncomfortably anymore, and the way the indent of her waist yielded to the alluring sweep of her hips made his mouth go dry.

Bella gave him a smile, clear and unafraid. He knew then that he could do anything to her and with her, for tonight at least. She was offering whatever he liked, and maybe he could even pretend he was safe while her arms enclosed him, but that wasn't true. Bella had always been his greatest weakness. In the morning, it would be just like it had the last time—the only time—they'd shared a bed: she would act as if it had never happened.

He couldn't take that twice in one lifetime.

"Bella."

She sat back, uncertainty flickering over the heart-shaped face. "Yeah?"

"I think you're drunk," he lied. She wasn't drunk, just buzzed enough to do what she wanted without overthinking it.

Bella frowned. "No, I'm—"

"Yeah, you probably are, and we'll both regret this in the morning if we go ahead and do it."

He hated himself in that moment, because all the happiness drained from her expression as if he'd pulled a plug, with only mortification remaining. "Oh. Oh!" Scooting back, she grabbed her towel and wrapped it tightly about herself, then seized her clothes in her free hand before scurrying into the bathroom. She hid in there for a while. The ragged sounds of her suppressed sobs tore at his resolve until he got up and left.

He smelled the leech as soon as he stepped outside.

Darting across the snow as fast as he could, he barely managed to take all his clothes off before the phasing imperative took over. Once again, she led him on a winding path through the woods and into the mountains before doubling back toward Coeur d'Alene. He could never quite catch sight of her, though he heard the faint sounds of her passage a few times. It was as if she could predict his every move. The sheer physicality of the hunt distracted him from all the uncertainty and sadness for hours until at last dawn began to peek over the nearby ridges and the vampire ditched him by taking off into the water once more.

Jacob headed back to his room, and was relieved to find Bella already gone when he got there. He fell asleep almost before he lay down.

His dreams assumed chaotic patterns, tumbling over each other in a wealth of color and noise, but finally the kaleidoscope settled into a coherent, repeating narrative: Bella, in a wedding dress, walking past him in a church. At the end of the aisle stood a leech, one he recognized from a prom that wasn't his: Edward Cullen. She was about to kill herself to be with that undead fucker, and the knowledge made Jacob tremble with rage and grief. Each time, Jacob darted past the other guests to stand between the bride and groom, and each time Cullen appeared to wrench him away from Bella. Eventually the dream devolved into a bizarre sort of fight for Bella's hand while she stood on the sidelines like the heroine of a black-and-white film, eyes wide with horror as the wolf and the vampire tore into each other.

Jacob awoke in a cold sweat, mumbling "no" and "she's mine," which turned him even colder. Bella hadn't been his girl, ever, even when he had thought she was. The wolf huffed in disagreement, but he shoved it away.

When he stepped out into the hallway, the first thing he saw was Renée, hurrying toward his door with Bella in tow. "Jacob! There you are! Listen; tell this silly girl you'll come with her on a sleigh ride."

A sleigh ride? What was this, _Little House on the Prairie_?

Renée blathered on, oblivious, "I booked it for Phil and me, but I forgot that we had to take Marissa to the airport at pretty much the exact same time. So you two go ahead. It's in about five minutes. I think I saw the guy who steers or whatever harnessing the horse."

Jacob looked at Bella, then back at her mother, and then back at Bella again. She seemed completely miserable, hollow-eyed and pallid, arms wrapped tightly around her chest. After waiting for a sense of satisfaction or, at the very least, justification to dawn, he discovered instead that all he felt was sad. They were both hurting... and for what?

He didn't want to reject her anymore.

Relief tumbled over him like an avalanche. He hadn't realized how hard he'd been fighting until he stopped. Giddy with the reprieve, he told Renée, "Sure. We'll go."

Bella's mouth dropped open a little. She stared at him in obvious disbelief.

"Great!" Renée turned to her daughter. "Go get your coat, baby."

Moving like an automaton, Bella walked past Jacob through the still-open door, and emerged bundled up in her down jacket.

It occurred to Jacob to wonder if the horse would gallop away the instant he came into scent range, but it turned out to be the old gelding. After making sure his two passengers were securely tucked in under the blankets, the lodge employee lightly slapped the reins down and they sailed away across the snow.

Jacob wondered if he should say he was sorry for the way he'd treated Bella, but the thing was, he didn't regret it at all. She had earned his mistrust. She needed to work to regain his trust now. Still, withholding forgiveness wasn't a part of his makeup. So, when a few minutes had passed in silence, he asked, "How's your head?"

She snorted. "It's fine." The corners of her mouth twisted, but she regained enough control to add, "I wasn't that drunk." A single tear leaked from the corner of one eye. She turned her head, but not quickly enough to hide it from him.

Jacob felt his heart turning to mush. He couldn't make it harden again. "Hey, Bells." Sniffling, she hid her face behind her hood, but he tugged at her arm. "Bells. Look at me." It took a minute, but she complied, revealing naked desolation all over her features. The sight of her reddened nose and damp cheeks melted him even more. It seemed pointless to fight the urge to kiss her, so he didn't.

Bella inhaled shakily against his mouth, and then she was kissing him back, arms looping around his neck to pull him closer. This time the contact didn't hurt nearly as much as it healed, feathery kisses as tentative as his newfound courage. Regardless of the uncertainty, Jacob's head swam with happiness. Pulling away, he smiled into her eyes. "Hey. I missed you."

She gave a soggy giggle, fingers sliding down so she could clutch at his side beneath his shirt. "Jake, I missed you  _so much,_ I can't even tell you—"

Jacob heard the faint rumbling before he understood what it meant. Sitting up straight, he peered toward the forest just as the farmhand cursed and reined in the horse. A herd of deer sprang from the tree cover before they came to a halt, darting on either side of the sleigh. One big doe leaped directly over the harness, but the horse's blinkers protected it from the sight even though all three of the humans ducked.

The wind shifted, and announced the vampire's presence with the change.

Jacob shot to his feet, gaze going unerringly to the shadows that cloaked his enemy. Bella twisted in her seat to look around. Every muscle in his body quivered as he tried to figure out how to get to the leech without fighting through snow up to his waist or exposing his secret. He had almost decided to go ahead and risk the dash as a human when Bella put her hand on his wrist.

"Wait," she whispered. Following his gaze, she addressed the unnaturally still figure in an undertone. "It's all right."

If possible, the vampire went even more motionless.

Bella continued, "It's really all right. I promise. This is what I want now."

The vampire jumped away without further ado, a whirl of glittering stone and ink-black hair streaking away from the two of them until even Jacob's nose could find no trace of her in the air.

Bella sighed, and twisted her hand to entwine her fingers with Jacob's. He sat down heavily once again. Leaning her head against his shoulder, she addressed the farmhand, who had been wrestling with the gelding the whole time. "Is it okay if we go back?"

"Probably a good idea," he agreed, and turned the horse's head for home.

( * * * )

That night, after supper, Jacob sat in the armchair next to the bedroom window and gazed outward, though he no longer searched for signs of danger. A few minutes later, Bella slipped into the room and came to stand beside him, also staring at the moonlit night.

She broke the silence with a confession. "I had a plan."

He smiled, though he didn't look at her. "A plan?"

"Yeah, a plan. For this week. I was going to do everything I could to show you how sorry I am for the way I treated you, and how much I appreciated all you did for me. I was going to show you that even though you were good at noticing stuff about me, I noticed plenty about you too. I was going to get you away from all the responsibilities you've had to carry since you were way too young to handle them—even though you did handle them—and make sure you didn't have to take care of anything but yourself for a few days. And then, after you started to look like you were having fun instead of just putting up with me, I was going to tell you how sorry I was with words. I was going to tell you about how, when I was at college, Alice Cullen came to see me, in a panic because six months from then she saw me disappearing from her visions."

Jacob jerked back in confusion. "Her visions?"

"Yeah, remember? Alice can see the future, although what she sees depends on decisions other people make." Bella kept her gaze trained out the window. "After we talked it through, we figured out that when I was with you, I was hidden from her gift. And that meant that I was going to start spending  _all_ my time with you. And that was when I realized, I was in love with you."

Jacob sucked in air between his teeth, but she ignored him. "It scared the shit out of me, Jake. I had already been in what I thought was love, and losing it nearly killed me. I knew you cared about me, but I kept telling myself it was just a teenage crush, nothing serious. When Alice said she didn't even see me at college anymore, I panicked. I thought I was going to drop out and spend the rest of my life in Forks just to be with you. I couldn't have a guy be my reason for living again, but it was happening. It had  _already_ happened; I just hadn't acknowledged it. And what if I ruined  _your_ life? You deserved a chance to find somebody who wasn't so screwed up. Chris had been asking me out for months, and he was sweet and didn't mind when I put him off, and the next time he asked, I said yes." She shrugged. Her chin trembled. "It was selfish, and cowardly, and I'm really sorry."

He couldn't think what to say, but she plowed forward as if she were afraid to hear it anyway. "I tried with other guys, but none of them were you. Then I realized spending forever with you would have been a pretty good deal. But by that point you had already realized I wasn't a very good deal for you. After a little while longer I started wondering if you might want to be friends again, because I missed you, so much, just  _you,_  so I thought maybe this week I could try."

Jacob reached for her hand, drawing it to his lips so he could kiss her palm. She whimpered when he did, and collapsed onto the arm of the chair. He hugged her waist. "What were you going to do next? After you explained?"

"I was going to wait and see if you forgave me." She rubbed her cheek against the top of his head.

"And if I said yes?"

"Then I was going to ask if you thought maybe we could see if we could be more than friends."

"What if I said yes about that too?"

Bella laughed. "Then I was going to ask you out, and maybe kiss you, and maybe not in that exact order."

"Okay." With a quick tug, he moved her into his lap. She snuggled close to his chest. "Yes."

"You wanna go out on a date with me sometime, Jake?" Bella whispered, smoothing her palm over his cheek.

"Yeah. That sounds like fun."

"To me too." She tugged on his neck, and he bent down to let her kiss him. Somewhere in the back of his mind dawned the knowledge that Billy was going to be insufferable after this, and that Quil and Embry were going to be pissed, and that a lot of things would be different. For once he let himself forget about all the forces that pulled him in opposing directions, and focused on the fact that Bella Swan was finally ready to want him back.

When he drew away to look at her again, she bit her lip. "I'm scared I'll mess it up again."

He shrugged, even though he was scared of exactly the same thing. "We both messed up. It's too late to fix what we were. We'll just have to make something new and see how it works." Tucking her head under his chin, he cradled her close and looked out into the night. "I'm not going anywhere. We have all the time in the world."

**Author's Note:**

> With all my love to cretin, FatedFeathers, grrlinterrupted, and HoochieMomma for their hand-holding, prereading and beta magic. Thanks to audreyii_ficfor her help with fitting in the prompts. The entire Rachel exchange is a loving shout-out to (and not-very-creative twist on) her drabble, "Three times Jacob Black was too late to kiss Bella Swan on New Year's Eve and one time he wasn't."
> 
> This story was written for a fic exchange hosted by the LiveJournal Jacob/Bella fanfiction community The Air, The Sun. The prompts, from exquisite_ugly, were:
> 
> -Bella and Jake go on a horse-drawn sleigh ride in the snow and something fun or exciting happens.
> 
> -Song Prompt: "I'm your prostitute, you gon' get some. Like a shotgun needs an outcome, I'm your prostitute, you gon' get some. Go ahead, go way low, where I can do no harm. Go ahead, go way low in my honey lovin' arms"
> 
> -Edward challenges Jake to a duel for Bella's hand in marriage (no death, just to see who wins)
> 
> Hope you like the results, bb. :-)


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